


i try to picture me without you but i can't

by capra, chupacabra (butyoumight)



Series: live with me forever (just not for long) [7]
Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Canon-Compliant, Long-Distance Friendship, Long-Distance Relationship, M/M, Missing Scene, Mutual Pining, Secret Relationship, Slow Burn, a little bit of montague-capulet style angst in this one, anxiety (a little), secret crushes, secret friendship, soft angst, the cluebat is gonna get them in 3...2..., zuzuthan
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-08
Updated: 2019-12-08
Packaged: 2021-02-25 23:21:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,819
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21713752
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/capra/pseuds/capra, https://archiveofourown.org/users/butyoumight/pseuds/chupacabra
Summary: This close, with his arm around Yuzu, with Yuzu leaning against him, with their conversation so casual, about a million inappropriate or only barely appropriate thoughts cross Nathan's mind. This feels like they're a normal couple for once, secret but in public. This means so much more than Montreal meant, because that was outside of both of their comfort zones, while this... This is Nathan bringing Yuzu *home.*OR:Yuzu flies to New Haven, CT to spend a day and a half with Nathan. On the agenda: Skate together. Simply spend time together. Spiral into anxious pits of self-doubt and guilt. Have an emotional breakdown.Wait, that doesn't sound right.
Relationships: Nathan Chen/Yuzuru Hanyu
Series: live with me forever (just not for long) [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1310987
Comments: 6
Kudos: 30





	i try to picture me without you but i can't

**Author's Note:**

> this is an installment of our _live with me forever (just not for long)_ IRL-based AU series.
> 
> The **[live with me forever (but not for long)](https://archiveofourown.org/series/1310987)** series includes:
> 
> February 2017 - [too hard to breathe, too high to fall](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18834355)
> 
> October 2017 - [i'm bad behavior but i do it in the best way](https://archiveofourown.org/works/29592729/)
> 
> November 2018 - [there's no stopping this (there's no stopping us)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18196145)
> 
> May 2019 - [we are what we are (but we don't have to be)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18732613)
> 
> August 2019 - [the only thing that's ever stopping me is me (hey!)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/21712843)
> 
> September 14 2019 - [write our names in the wet concrete](https://archiveofourown.org/works/21712330)
> 
> September 20 2019 - [i try to picture me without you but i can't](https://archiveofourown.org/works/21713752/chapters/51794281)
> 
> *
> 
> regarding the course of their relationship in this AU, it is important to know these bulletpoints:
> 
> they've been sleeping together since early 2017  
they've been friendly about that fact since fall 2017  
they've been regularly texting since summer 2018  
and  
they had simultaneous emotional crises about their feelings for each other at Saitama in spring 2019  
...which they both kept entirely to themselves...  
because  
they've had a standing agreement, since fall 2018, that this is Just Sex. Not a relationship, because the ice has to be the first love in their hearts.
> 
> yeah. they're Dumb.
> 
> so in honor of GPF Turin, of their sweet giggles and strong respect and that press conference! and the hopes I have for the upcoming gala, here's some sugar.  
title from fall out boy's _immortals_

###  **i try to picture me without you but i can't**

**chapter one: arrival**

**September 20, 2019**

The flight from Toronto Pearson to Bradley International takes just over an hour and a half, and Yuzu, with his small rolling suitcase and his backpack, happily deplanes right on schedule, just before 11:30. He of course has had his sunglasses and earphones - one of his favorite pairs - firmly in place the whole time after going through security at Pearson, and puts up the hood of his pullover hoodie before leaving the gate area.

His phone in his pocket buzzes as notifications come in, but he'd really rather not check them yet. Presuming Nathan's already waiting for him past the security line as planned, Yuzu expects he won't need to check his phone for a while.

*

Nathan's morning had been a bit frantic. He'd cleared most of his schedule, but there was one class later in the day that his professor wasn't entirely sure he should miss- so instead of making Yuzu spend time alone in a hotel, Nathan had gotten clearance to go to the 9 am lecture the professor also had that day. Which means that once he's done there, he's got to head directly to his car and to Bradley to make it in time. 

Thankfully the traffic is pretty tame for a Friday morning and he arrives in the luggage area almost exactly as the screen shows that Yuzu's plane is landing. Perfect timing.

He finds where that flight is going to let its passengers through customs, and is only waiting about fifteen minutes before he starts to identify a flight's worth of people exiting. 

Yuzu's kind of easy to spot, not least because a lot of the other passengers are business people in suits. Plus his suitcase would be almost a dead giveaway for any of his superfans but thankfully Bradley's mostly a commuter airport and no one seems to be giving Yuzu a second glance. 

Nathan pockets his phone and approaches him head-on, noticing the headphones and not wanting to startle him by sneaking up beside him. 

"Hey." He says, softly, once he's in Yuzu's line of sight. He raises his hand in a kind of awkward wave. 

This is so weird.... But it's...  _ Good _ weird. 

Yuzu slows down, just a bit, as Nathan approaches, and lifts his gaze out of the 'do not interact' chest-level navigational gaze he uses to avoid making eye contact with anyone in airports, even through his sunglasses. His mouth, curling at the corners, is already betraying his mood despite the sunglasses, and he knocks one earphone out, letting it dangle near his collarbones, so he can hear Nathan.

"Hey," he says, taking in Nathan's posture, hesitant but happy. Yuzu's feeling a lot the same, though he's been making an effort to hide that weakness while he was alone in the throng of strangers. Now, facing Nathan, he lets the shield come down, and pulls his sunglasses off. He's *beaming,* relief and excitement rolled into one it's-too-early-to-be-this-tired bundle.

"Hey," Nathan says again, and then rolls his eyes at himself. Yuzu's got a glow about him, like he's vibrating with anticipation. Nathan knows that internal dance well, not just because he's doing it right now, but because they've shared enough warm-up groups at major competitions to have a feel for each other's amp level. At least, he thinks so. 

"Did you need to check anything? Or are we headed straight out?" 

"This is everything." Yuzu glances around, getting his bearings. He's never been to this airport before, so he doesn't automatically know which way to go. "I only brought the essentials."

Nathan grins, feeling much more at ease suddenly. "Under Armor, skates, and four pairs of earphones?" 

"Also my toothbrush--"

Nathan shifts slightly as a rush of businessmen all cluster past them, and reflexively he puts his arm around Yuzuru's waist to help guide him away from the crush of people and out towards the lot where he parked. Nathan's hand slips across the small of Yuzu's back, and that touch, for just one second, is the only tactile sensation that Yuzu knows. 

He sways into the touch, light as it is, and effortlessly bends his path of motion to follow where it leads. All the while he continues speaking, covering over that split second of surprise with just a small hitch in his voice, a faint breathiness that he might have hidden, might have been able to conceal, if he hadn't been in the middle of saying a phrase with quite as many  _ ah _ sounds:

"--and pajamas."

For the space of a few moments, Yuzu resists the urge, common sense and practical, to pull away from Nathan. He gives in, instead, to the opposing one, to stay right where Nathan's placed him, pliably tipped against his side. He isn't going to overthink it.

"I hope the flight was good," Nathan says. 

"It was a flight." He shrugs his far shoulder, regrips his suitcase handle. "No trouble."

This close, with his arm around him and Yuzu leaning just ever so slightly into him, and their conversation so casual... About a million inappropriate or only barely appropriate thoughts cross Nathan's mind. They feel like a normal couple for once, and Nathan thinks of a lot of dumb flirty things he could say, like  _ are pajamas really essential?  _ or  _ can't forget the toothbrush _ . 

Instead he chokes down all of that, feeling childish and at the same time, a bit illicit. Getting to  _ see  _ him, spend time with him, secret but in public... This is so much beyond Montreal, because Montreal was outside of both of their comfort zones, while this... This is Nathan bringing Yuzu home.

He wishes, briefly, that he could bring him to the dorms, introduce him to his suitemates.  _ This is my boyfriend, _ he could say in this fantasy world. 

"How long has it been since you had breakfast?" He asks instead, still guiding and leading Yuzu reflexively out of the airport and to his car. He doesn't bother opening the rear hatch, because he knows Yuzu well enough to know he'd rather just keep his skates close at hand and will just sit with his suitcase between his feet, most likely. "We could get some lunch before we go to campus?" 

"I had breakfast at normal time," Yuzu answers, "And more than usual because I was flying through mid-morning meal. I think I am alright for now. I don't want to over eat."   
  
"I don't remember when your normal time is," Nathan reminds him. The minutiae of their schedules isn't something that comes up terribly often. Partly because it skirts too close to the kind of work talk that stresses them both out when they're trying to focus on each other as individuals, and partly just because it's  _ boring _ . 

Yuzu stays close. He stays in the loop of Nathan's arm to the door, and stays close while they cross the short bridge over the street to the parking garage. He only begins to drift away, back into his own bubble of physical space, when they leave the garage elevator and walk to Nathan's car, pulling back on the handle of his case to keep it from running forward on the slope. It only makes sense to part, as he's headed to the passenger side and Nathan to the driver's side.

In the car, Yuzu rubs his thumb across the one of his suitcase's many molded plastic ridges, losing focus for just a moment. Then he shakes his head, just once, and the moment passes. Buckling in, he removes his earphones completely, carefully coiling the cord. He digs through his backpack with one and a half hands, holding the earphones in the back of his palm, until he fishes out the correct earphones case on the second try.

Zipping the case open, Yuzu carefully unplugs the earphones from their cord one by one and places each in its specifically molded well. He tucks the cord in the pocket on the other side of the case and glances over at Nathan, who's settling into the driver's seat. He nods.

"Actually... I change my mind. I think lunch is good. I don't have a lot of energy right now for some reason," he explains. "Which is silly, because I am here."

Nathan settles into the driver seat and turns head and shoulders to watch Yuzu carefully and meticulously put his earphones away. It is  _ so _ cute. 

"Even a short flight usually leaves me feeling a little tapped out. I know the feeling." He waits for Yuzu to put his seat belt on, and then puts the car in drive and leaves the lot. 

It wasn't the flight that's left Yuzu so tired, but neither is it Nathan's fault that Yuzu's sleepy, so he's going to do his best not to inconvenience Nathan with his drowsiness. Maybe an energy pouch is in order.

"It's almost an hour drive back to New Haven," He says, conversationally. "So would you rather wait, or get something to eat in the car..?" 

"Ah, that's too long. We should eat in the car," Yuzu says, putting his earphone case back into his backpack and zipping it shut. There's a short bit of stop and go, traveling around the garage down to ground level, and instead of watching the garage, and then the street, going by, he watches Nathan drive.

"Sounds good to me." Nathan agrees with a nod, merging into traffic with ease and keeping what attention he can spare on Yuzu. He's got to enjoy every minute he can, after all. After this, it's going to be a long drought until, god willing, the Grand Prix Final. 

"Is there a burgers place we could go?"

"There's a lot of them. Probably you don't mean fast food though. There's a few little proper restaurants between here and there, we could stop at one and eat there instead..?" 

"That would be fine," Yuzu says, adjusting his seatback one notch forward. It helps him sit up properly, and puts the headrest directly behind his head so he can rest on it, head turned to his left, and keep his attention on Nathan. "But it is up to you, because fast food is ok too." Then, suddenly understanding, he laughs.

"...I am thinking you don't think I  _ can _ eat a fast food burger!" he teases, nose crinkled up with his smile. "Should I prove it?"

Nathan grins and then laughs right back at him, shaking his head. "Now, I didn't say that! Whether you  _ can _ isn't the issue. I just assumed you wouldn't  _ want _ to."

Yuzu sticks his tongue out, a faux pout. "I have, on some times, once in a while, very enjoyed a burger. And there are other things too, chicken sandwiches, salads." He shrugs, and turns it into a stretch. Rolling his head slowly to look out the side window, then back again, he flexes and relaxes the muscles from his jaw all the way to his fingertips, concentrating on stretching out his arms from shoulders down to elbows, forearms, wrists. He's not too stiff from the plane, but he'd like to keep it that way.

"I am okay with a proper restaurant too," he says, feeling like he needs to clarify. "As long as it is not an interruption, it would be fine. But I do not know how easy I would feel, in a booth in the restaurant. Food in the car is not glamorous but it is private, and..." He rolls his bottom lip between his teeth, glancing aside at Nathan before looking back to the road, and leaves the rest unsaid.

He's not here to sightsee, after all.

"I see your point." Nathan agrees softly, taking a moment to reach across the car so he can rest his hand briefly on Yuzu's arm. He almost goes for the knee, but Yuzu's in such a position that he'd have to reach for that and he doesn't want to be too reckless when he's driving with Yuzuru Fucking Hanyu in the passenger seat. 

"So. If we're going to have fast food, car food... What are you thinking? American McDonalds isn't as good as Japanese McDonalds, after all." 

Yuzu turns his hand over immediately, and pulls his elbow back. Nathan's hand was on his forearm; now Yuzu settles his own under it, fingers happily laced together. And as far as Nathan’s concerned, that's fantastic. It wasn't his intention, necessarily, as his intention was simply to touch Yuzu. To feel him and feel grounded and, in a silly and childish way, remind him that this isn't a dream.

Holding his hand is even better, and Nathan turns his hand over, carrying Yuzu's with it so he can rest his knuckles against the gear shift in between them. 

"Well, it is not," Yuzu agrees, resisting the urge to rub his thumb back and forth over the knob of bone at Nathan's wrist. "American - well, Canadian - Wendy's is nice. It is closer to Japanse MacDo. Can we find one of those?"

"Absolutely. Wendy's is good. Lots of side dish options. Siri? Find Wendy's." 

*

Siri finds them a Wendy's - a proper one, not one of the ones inside a travel plaza along the highway - and directs them there without trouble. In the drive through lane, Yuzu leans forward, peering past Nathan to see the menu, then murmurs his order for Nathan to pass along to the speaker. He makes a deliberate choice not to say anything about paying for his own share, since he remembers, from their weekend in Montreal, that Nathan will fuss about it, and actually likes paying for them both together. Yuzu will just make sure to cover Nathan's half for the next meal to keep things even. 

The one thing Yuzu forgot about, and which holds his attention as Nathan parks the car once they've got their food, is how disappointing the beverage selection is at fast food places. He frowns mildly at his cup.

"I forgot. I flew, so I don't have my drink with me."

At least they had tea. Kind of.

Yuzu's a very mindful passenger, speaking softly but clearly about what he wants to order. Nathan supposes it's a skill one develops when so much of your life is about travel. 

As for his own order, Nathan glances down at the iced coffee he'd gotten, and then shoots Yuzu a sympathetic pout. "What do you normally drink with meals? I have water, and I think I have some, like, sports drink somewhere in here." He cranes his neck towards the back seats, trying to remember the last time he had to drive anywhere significantly. 

"Ah, I have packets," Yuzu says. "I did not remember to buy water to put them in." His favorite drink doesn't come powdered, but his next preference does, and he doesn't tend to travel without at least one or two stashed away in a corner of his bag. He sets his food on the dash and digs around in his backpack for a moment, eventually producing one of the small brightly colored packets with a smile.

"Oh, good," Nathan says, a bit relieved as he hands over one of his stash of bottled water. 

The bottle of water Nathan offers is very welcome. Yuzu adds the powder and shakes it up, briefly reflective. He hadn't realized how thirsty he was feeling until now, but it makes sense. Usually after spending a flight in the ultra-dry recycled air of a plane cabin, his first tasks in the terminal are to purchase a bottle of water and take a pause to catch his breath. Today, preoccupied, he forgot to attend to either of those.

"Thank you."

Nathan waits for Yuzu to mix the drink up, and then for him to take a few sips, and then a few more, and then with a grin he leans back to grab another bottle of water and set it next to the cup-holder in Yuzu's footwell. 

"Sorry, I should have offered when we first got in the car." 

Yuzu's already halfway through the first bottle, and he smiles gratitude around the mouth of it, eyes crinkled to reassure before he can swallow and answer. "No, no, it's fine. I didn't think of it. I was distracted."

He tucks a packet into the cup holder next to the bottle, zips up his bag, and pushes it between his seat and Nathan's, into the back seat. As he sorts out his food from Nathan's, opening the wrappers out on his lap like a table, he glances over at Nathan with a bit of self-consciousness. "I am scrambled today. Not a usual day at all." It's not a bad thing, though, and his tone makes that clear.

"Yeah," Nathan agrees, pushing his seat back so he has enough lap to spread his food out on too. A burger and a chicken sandwich, no fries. He wanted fries but he restrained the impulse. 

"I went to a different meeting of my lecture so I'd be able to pick you up. I don't think anyone really noticed or cared but it felt really weird." 

"You will not miss any important material?" Yuzu asks, more invested in the answer than the salad and grilled chicken sandwich on his lap. He doesn't think he's comfortable with the thought of Nathan having infringed on his studies for the sake of this visit. But he envisions waiting at the airport until Nathan was free to come get him - or taking a taxi rather than being picked up - and neither of those scenarios feel any more comfortable to him. In fact, they feel  _ less  _ so. That's... worrisome.

"Oh, not at all!" Nathan rushes to assure him. "That's why I went this morning. Bunch of different students, but the same material in the lecture. No big deal." He grins, and ducks his head. 

"Even if I had to miss a class, it would have been worth it. But luckily, I didn't." 

"Oh, that's good," Yuzu says quickly, overlapping Nathan's words, assuming 'no big deal' was the end of his reassurance. "It's good that's--"

But Nathan keeps speaking and Yuzu stops,  _ hearing _ him, and watching the little fond and nervous way Nathan ducks his head. The matter of fact tone that contrasts that small demonstration of self-consciousness.

Yuzu leans close, following an impulse, not giving himself time to think about it. He stretches across the middle of the car, bracing himself with one hand on the center console, and kisses Nathan's cheek: quick, a little too firm, clumsy in his impulsivity. He pulls back just as quickly, looking at his food instead of whatever expression Nathan's wearing now.

Nathan blinks and then grins and then turns to face Yuzu with a big smile and a little flush on his cheeks. "Thanks." He says softly, ducking his head once he notices that Yuzu's is ducked as well. 

"So after we're done eating, we'll drive to New Haven, and then it should be nearly my designated ice time." 

"That's, it sounds good," Yuzu says, nodding firmly at his sandwich. "All right."

"Awesome." Nathan says, staring pretty intently at his own sandwich. He takes a bite, chews with careful deliberation, swallows, and then turns to look at Yuzu again. 

"Oh." He says, pointing with one hand and setting down his sandwich so he could cover his mouth with the other. "You have a spot of mayonnaise." 

"Oh. I, um. Where?" Yuzu licks at the corner of his mouth, then the other, and blinks at Nathan for feedback. He's not used to taking meals with other people, much less people he's currently being uncharacteristically easily flustered by, and there's a large part of him that just wishes he could eat the food all at once in one second and get it over with, so he doesn't embarrass himself. The other part of him, smaller but bitchier, wonders why he's being such an idiot about this.

_ You've done way messier things than this with him, why are you freaking out now? _

Because at that point he hadn't figured out, Yuzu thinks, that he was in  _ love _ with him.

Whoops.

Yuzu tries on both sides but each time his tongue flicks up, and the offending condiment is on his bottom lip.

"Hold on," Nathan says, reaching. He lets his fingertips rest lightly on Yuzu's cheek, not pushing but not really holding either. Just balancing. Guiding. 

His thumb swipes down, collecting the mayo off the edge of his lip, and then he pulls back again.

He considers his thumb for a moment. There are three options right now, and he's really unsure about all three of them. 

Nathan's touch, the warmth of his palm, is there and gone again in only a moment, but it holds Yuzu's attention after it's gone. He's looking at Nathan, Nathan's looking at the thumb with Yuzu's mayo smudge on it, and Yuzu could laugh if he wasn't so flustered because navigating this single moment is demanding a comically disproportionate amount of effort. It's just a bit of mayonnaise. It's not worth overthinking it.

Yuzu's holding his sandwich with both hands - see, they're full - so he leans over and quickly laps clean the side of Nathan's thumb. He sits back and swallows.

"Thank you. I am usually a less messy eater."

It takes a moment so Nathan's fairly sure that Yuzu's thinking some of the same things he is- he could put his thumb in his own mouth, or he could offer it to Yuzu, or he could wipe it off on a napkin, and all of those options carry weight or implication and he's really just--

Then Yuzu leans in and licks his thumb. Just like that. Quick, simple, and Nathan lets out a shaky breath.

"I'm not. A very neat eater. That is." 

Fucking  _ dumbass _ . 

Yuzu rolls his lip between his teeth. His attention is held by the way Nathan's eyes darkened - seemed to darken? - and the shake in his breath and his voice.

This is  _ so _ much easier to navigate than texting.

Yuzu smiles and wets his lips. "Then... I will return the favor, when you are done."

Nathan swallows,  _ gulps, _ really. 

This is so much harder to navigate than texting. 

_ Probably not for him, though,  _ he reminds himself, and somehow that thought relaxes him slightly. He feels his shoulder loosen as he shoots Yuzu what he hopes is a breezy, confident grin. 

"Good." 

Yuzu's nose crinkles up in his smile. He has food he needs to eat, and Nathan's still got food too, so instead of coming up with a flirty-innocent reply to that, he nods and goes back to his food.

Yuzu manages to keep quiet and finish his food. Once they're both finished with their food, Yuzu opens up the paper bag it came in and begins tidily collecting both of their trash into it. "I would like to go in and wash my hands before we drive. The worst part of burgers is sticky hands."

*

Nathan can kind of tell by the way Yuzu pretty voraciously dives into his food after that, that they both just kind of skirted around something that is probably going to come up again and be much more heated later tonight in the hotel room.

At least, he kind of hopes so.

But for now, it's time to get back to campus and skate.

"Of course." Nathan says, nodding in agreement. "Normally I'd probably just make do with wet-wipes but you're right, we should be conscientious." He reaches up to the sunshade and pulls his sunglasses down, replacing his regular glasses with them before getting out of the car. 

Yuzu, still sitting, ducks down so he can look up at Nathan through the open door with a smile. "I will wait here with my suitcase and take my turn when you are done."

It won't be bad to get a moment to himself to catch his breath, either. Yuzu had forgotten how intense this is, how quickly he falls into Nathan's gravitation, and Nathan into his own - almost like they're tuning forks resonating at the same frequency. Or complementary frequencies.

And if he jumps Nathan in the car, they won't get to skate together.

Priorities, obviously.

"Oh. Right, yeah. Of course!" Nathan makes a little head-smacking gesture, because he probably could have just let Yuzu go wash his hands and done exactly what he always does when he eats in the car- but he got ahead of himself, thought about going into the restaurant with him, and then started getting out of the car, so now he has to actually go in and wash his hands.

Well, he needs to pee anyway. 

Still, it's not like it takes long, even when he takes his time and stares at himself in the mirror for a second and reflects tiredly about how fucking lucky he is. So so fucking lucky. 

He's back at the car within ten minutes and climbs in with a sheepish grin at Yuzu. "All yours." 

"Thank you," Yuzu says, unbuckling and opening his door. He scoots to the edge of the seat. "Watch Pooh and skates for me, thank you," he chirps, and heads in to the restaurant.

Nathan distracts himself from the wait with his phone, as per usual. Nothing super interesting is going on- he doesn't have the time or the focus to do any deep dives into what's going on behind the scenes in basketball's off season. 

About ten minutes later, feeling more settled and having washed his hands and face, he taps on the window on the passenger side, then opens the door, so as not to startle Nathan by opening the door without any warning. Nathan looks up with a genuine grin and a beckoning tilt of his head. 

"I am ready to go," Yuzu announces, buckling in. "I'm glad we stopped. I am feeling better already.”

"Awesome. I'm really glad to hear it." The whole point of this clandestine adventure was getting to skate together- private, no pressure, just the two of them and Nathan's ice. Something almost illicit, and yet Nathan hopes something that could maybe... Become a more regular thing, if this trip goes well.

"Let's hit the road." 

The rest of the drive is uneventful. There isn't even much traffic, because it's not a very commuter heavy time of day. They make it in about thirty-five minutes, and Nathan parks in the whale's lot after only a little bit of deliberation about whether he should park closer to or further from the doors. 

There's a local kid league hockey team that uses the ice before his designated time, and after his designated time is an ice cut, so he's not worried about accidentally running into anyone from the school's skating club, at least. 

There's just shy of a dozen vehicles, mostly minivans, queueing in the driveway in front of the rink. Kids carrying bags of gear that are almost as big as themselves are leaving the building by ones and twos. Some of them are accompanied by adults - parents, most likely, or coaches - and others walk by themselves, their noses in their phones. Yuzu glances at Nathan with half a smile and goes back to watching the hockey team clearing out.

"So...a goalie," he says after a moment of quiet, and the shit-eating grin that goes with it is mostly in his voice, only  _ partly  _ visible on his face as well.

Nathan watches the crowd disperse so he can judge when it'll be safe for them to get out of the car and mosey over to the rink. 

Then Yuzu says just a few words dripping with so much amusement and teasing that it actually makes the hairs on the back of Nathan's neck prickle. How does he  _ do _ that? His face is almost,  _ almost _ completely impassive. 

"Yeah. I had big dreams for a small kid." 

"It seems that your dreams grew with you," Yuzu answers mildly, still with a smile playing around his lips, watching the kids rather than looking at Nathan. "Bigger than hockey pads I think~"

"Big dreams are good," he adds, as his smile falls from  _ smirk _ into  _ thoughtful. _ "I like that about you."

"Bigger than hockey pads." Nathan agrees softly. Thoughtful. 

After a moment, he glances over at Yuzu, who's still watching the last of the stragglers from the team haul themselves into their parents' cars. "Sometimes I think I had too many. I had a lot of options. And I loved all of them. But none like this." 

"Big dreams take up space," Yuzu acknowledges, meeting Nathan's gaze briefly. "There are different ways to be. I think you can have one big dream, or many little ones. I have one big one. You, too."

"But I think some of them will take their turns after skating, too," he adds impulsively, because he wants to offer something  _ more _ , something softer, than the cold logic of 'goals require sacrifice'. Something soft to cushion this conversation about all of Nathan's many talents that have been put aside.

"There will be many years after skating. And not all dreams you must be young and strong for."

"Yeah, that's true. It's gotta be different for everybody." He smiles, a bit thankful that Yuzu pumped the brakes a little on the potentially serious turn that conversation almost took. 

He exchanges his sunglasses for his regular ones, and then reaches across the car to grip Yuzu's shoulder briefly. The last of the minivans has pulled away. 

Nathan takes his keys out of the car's ignition, and swings himself out onto the pavement. 

He is curious, though, so as they approach the doors and Nathan presents his master key to the building with a little flourish, he turns to look at Yuzu while he works the lock.

"What do you want to do, after you're done competing?" 

Yuzu, sunglasses back on, lets go of the handle of his suitcase briefly to clap, a moment of playful approval as Nathan shows off the key. It's hitting Yuzu now, that there's no one else in there, that it's going to be  _ just _ them and the ice. Oh, god, he can barely wait.

"Keep skating, of course," he answers, with a silly, ostentatiously flourishing gesture. Something like  _ 'well, obviously,' _ but in a way that's laughing at himself, not at Nathan for asking the question. "Shows. And then maybe give lessons once I do not do shows anymore."

He grins, and finds that it's curling into his contented cat mouth smile without him even meaning to do so. "I am very predictable."

"You may be predictable," Nathan concedes with a smile as he pushes open the door and holds it for Yuzu.

"But I still wanted to hear your answer. Because there's a lot of things you could do to stay close to the ice. Shows, coaching. Choreographing." 

He grins, passing Yuzu again to lock the door behind them. It's just a precaution- he started doing it after someone unaware of his dedicated ice time wandered in and scared the shit out of him by walking into the stands while he was in the middle of a runthrough. 

"Maybe once you're too old to properly tie your skates, you can become a zamboni driver." 

Yuzu gasps. The thought of not even being able to tie his skates? He's thought about getting older, to Brian's age and even Kikuchi's, but he's never thought about getting  _ infirm _ . He wonders how he hadn't, though, before now; it isn't exactly a difficult conclusion to come to. It's just not one he'd ever pictured happening to  _ him _ .

"Okay! Yes, I like that idea.  _ If  _ I ever cannot tie my skates, after doing shows and teaching lessons, Pooh and I will drive Zambonis. But I do not like to think about that if."

"No." Nathan agrees quickly but quietly as they move through the lobby of the building. Yuzu takes the lead somehow, and Nathan suspects he's been googling. "I don't like to think about that either." 

Yuzu glances at the doors behind them that Nathan locked. He's got a few conflicting feelings about that, but there's big red EXIT signage on the crash bar of the door, and above it as well; there's an emergency station within sight a bit further down the stands; and it's a campus building, which means it's under the protection of the Yale emergency response team.

None of which would matter, if Nathan hadn't locked the door, but now Yuzu's very glad that he gave in to his nervousness and looked up information about the campus before the trip. Because now he can reassure himself, soothe his hindbrain with a few quick glances, and carry on without a hitch.

Yuzu walks just a touch ahead of Nathan, on a straight trajectory through the lobby, past the locker rooms and vending machines toward the benches arranged outside the rink doors. He's not rushing, though, and watches Nathan with curious affection.

"What about you? Wait, do not tell me, I already know~ You will be a choreographer, I think!"

Nathan’s still thinking about Yuzu not being able to skate anymore, so Yuzu’s question leads into his self-conscious thoughts pretty well. He clears his throat.

"Maybe. I don't know, I. I'll probably skate in some shows sometimes, but mostly I don't know if I'm going to stay involved in skating when I'm done." 

Yuzu slows, shifting half a step closer to Nathan. His shrug seems to have materialized out of the air, and Yuzu's expression pulls inward, a softly worried frown. He touches Nathan's elbow lightly.

"Why do you sound like you are embarrassed?"

Nathan stops before pushing open the doors into the rink proper, and looks up at him. He feels even more sheepish having been called on it. 

"I dunno. You seemed so excited by the idea of me choreographing. I guess. I don't know, it seems sometimes like we're all supposed to want to keep skating forever. And I don't plan on not skating anymore! But I don't want it to be my career forever. I guess I feel self-conscious about that." 

Yuzu steps closer still, watching Nathan's lips carefully to aid in his listening. He reaches out even as Nathan's still talking, but hesitates to make contact - just for a moment. Then - fuck it. Yuzu grabs Nathan's hand and squeezes.

"You would not be a good choreographer if you did not want to be  _ being  _ a choreographer," he says quietly, holding Nathan's gaze as much as Nathan will allow. For once, Yuzu remembers to keep his voice gentle, his gaze far gentler than flint, despite how fired up he's feeling, despite how strongly he feels about this. "When you are done, you are done. That is all. Nobody has right to tell you otherwise. Nobody has right to judge."

Yuzu hesitates, unsure how confident to be, how cocky. He goes for it anyway. "... ** _I_ ** will not."

Nathan squeezes Yuzu's hand back with a little smirk, shrugging one shoulder. 

"Thanks. I mean it, I appreciate the thought. I'm glad you know you won't be upset with me if... When I retire. Even if we don't see each other as much." 

Yuzu's smile is mostly in his eyes, which is saying a lot because he's not holding back on his smile, either.

"What are you saying! When you are retire, there is more free time, or more at once." 

Nathan lets out a laugh at that. "Well I suppose that is true, though we'll have to come up with more elaborate excuses, probably."

"Someday, I want to give up on excuses altogether," Yuzu murmurs. "Someday I will stop to apologizing for being who I am."

"Someday. Someday, yeah." Nathan agrees softly, a bit distant. Distracted by Yuzu's tone, how quiet he is. The way he's leaning closer, tipping his head to one side.

"Are there camera in lobby?"

Nathan tilts his head to match Yuzu’s, keeping their gazes locked. 

"Uh. I mean, there's security cameras throughout the building. But probably no one will look at the footage unless we commit a crime in here." 

Yuzu's pulse starts stepping a little quicker as Nathan’s movement mirrors his. He rubs his thumb over Nathan's, held between them. "Would this be crime?" he asks softly, tipping closer. "Would this be okay?"

Nathan laughs again, this time a bit breathlessly. "No. This isn't a crime." 

Yuzu tips his mouth up; his bangs slide out of his eyes as he tips his head further aside. And then, exhaling softly, he closes the distance between them. His hand on Nathan's tightens; his other leaves his suitcase's handle to grab and hold on to Nathan's elbow for balance.

It's been three months since they saw each other in person, at Shae-Lynn's rink in South Carolina. But it's been  _ six  _ months since Saitama, and Saitama held the last time they kissed.

It's been six months. They've waited out the calendar in fits and starts, their connection constrained to less than a dozen significant intersections: congratulations on jumps and boundaries broken; flirty selfies and late night text threads spanning topics serious to somber; one impulsive 2 AM international phone call; and even two days of sharing Shae-Lynn's ice for work - which became a fight, which became a conversation about  _ this _ , and their work, and balancing the two. In-between, a handful of stray selfies and texts sparsely sprinkled the intervening weeks, sent irregularly and without reply other than, sometimes, a sticker or emoji in response.  _ "I've no time to answer, but I see you. You see me." _

By some measures it's been barely anything. By their measure, Yuzu thinks, it's been anything but  _ barely _ : their relationship is a capstone class in quality over quantity. Each day, each stolen hour, has been fitted into the few and far-between cracks in both of their equally-densely-packed schedules. Each intersection he's had with Nathan has been  _ meaningful _ .

Nathan's lips are drier than Yuzu remembers them. His breath is warm, and Yuzu sways with a soft, floaty sigh toward the warmth of Nathan's body, melting into this sweet, soft kiss that he's been anticipating so much -- either for a week, since they made the plan for him to visit -- or for six months, since their last goodbye kiss.

*

One of the the things Nathan loves the most about figure skating is, obviously, jumping. But not, he thinks, for the reasons everyone suspects he loves to jump. People probably think he likes to think of himself as more of an athlete than an artist, or that he likes having the technical edge on his competition. Or maybe just that he wants to fly. 

It's not really any of those things. It's that fraction of a second that he hangs in the air, spinning against the push and pull of gravity and the earth's own rotation and all of it. Time slows down for him when he's in the air, he isn't breathing, he can't feel his heartbeat. It's the greatest high known to man- if only he could bottle it, or crystallize it. 

_ This _ feels like that. He takes a breath as time slows down and Yuzu leans in and Yuzu's exhaling while Nathan's drawing in so it's Yuzu's air, half-spent and weak that he draws into his own lungs and holds there as time grinds to a halt and his heart shudders to a thudding stop and all he can hear is his blood rushing in his ears. 

But oh, how he can  _ feel _ . 

*

Nathan's inward gasp stops, and he isn't  _ trembling _ but he isn't not, either. It's a strange motion-filled stillness, a juxtaposition. His mouth is so, so sweet, in a way that has nothing to do with flavor, everything to do with anticipation. Yuzu pulls their air back to his side as he hums, warm and focused, and smoothly takes the wheel. His palm skids up Nathan's arm from his elbow, off the crest of his shoulder, until the curve of it catches around the buzzed curve of Nathan's skull and the curve of his thumb fits behind the shell of Nathan's ear. He pushes, ever so gently, to tip Nathan's head subtly back; Nathan's mouth is slightly open, and Yuzu presses Nathan's lip between his own, leaning on that accidental invitation and carefully asking for more.

*

Nathan's body jolts a little when Yuzu breathes in again, taking their limited air back for himself again. And he makes a sound. A soft, focused hum. Almost like a cat's purr, and his hand is trailing up Nathan's arm, over his shoulder, curling around the back of his head and giving him just that little bit of guidance than he secretly craves. 

His lips part and Yuzu gets the message, his tongue and lips together making Nathan feel lightheaded, unbalanced, dizzy. 

But he's not ready to break the kiss yet. 

*

Nathan tips so willingly into the gentle touch Yuzu has on the back of his skull, and he turns that touch into a grip as Nathan melts against him. Holding Nathan's hand is good, but slipping his arm around Nathan's waist is better, and it's just so easy to pull him close, bringing their bodies flush. Yuzu's fingers dig against the gorgeously hard contour of Nathan's flank, and he breaks the seal of their kiss, letting in air: cold, dry, bracing. Yuzu wants to get a little lost in this, but not too far.

His mouth forms to fit Nathan's, small when it's needed, slipping wide and wet when he smiles, helpless with the joy of this, before diving back in. Though Nathan's own smile is absent right now, for obvious reasons, Yuzu knows that it's versatile, sometimes thin and heated, sometimes big and goofy, and Yuzu is sure he can taste all its flavors in the shapes of this kiss.

He's always loved Nathan's smile.

Yuzu hums against Nathan's lips, repeating that deep and focused almost-purr, and lifts his mouth slowly away. Still close enough to brush the bridge of Nathan's nose with his own, still lingering in the space in-between a kiss and an embrace in which his eyes could as easily remain closed as they could open, Yuzu exhales. His hands on Nathan, at nape and waist, grip firmly. 

The cool, dry air that slips in when Yuzu lets their lips part just a fraction of an inch is like a splash of ice water down Nathan's back, and he sucks on it greedily as Yuzu tenderizes his hip, his teeth tenderizing his lips. 

Nathan lets out his long-held breath- half expired, half barely respirated- in a shaky gasp, and finds that his arms have slipped around Yuzu's waist, holding him gently but with just enough pressure for it to be obvious that he's not likely to let go until he's told to. 

"I have missed you so much," Yuzu whispers, hiding the confession in the small space between their lips.

"Me too," Nathan agrees. "More than I can put into words." 

"Nathan..."

Yuzu falls back into Nathan's mouth, kissing him quickly again, and then again, short and sweetly emphatic things that punctuate the progress of his right hand from Nathan's nape up to cup his cheek and frame his face. His fingertips rake into Nathan's hair and he presses his brow to Nathan's, pulling his mouth away, as his impulsiveness catches up with him and his cheeks flush with a hot pink blush. Nevertheless, he doesn't pull away; rather, even as he blushes darker, Yuzu melts closer, savoring the loop of Nathan's arms around his waist, and closes his eyes. A little smile tugs at one corner of his lips.

"I wanted to kiss you as soon as I see you in the airport," Yuzu murmurs, quiet like sharing a secret.

Nathan melts, savoring Yuzu’s kisses: short and sweet and pecked like a bird choosing seeds from his palm. Once Yuzu's lips are fully free of his, Nathan shifts so he can use Yuzu's grip on his cheek as a guide, and slot his head neatly into the long slope between Yuzu's shoulder and his neck. 

"I wish I could say the same, but I wasn't even thinking about it." He says in response towards Yuzu's collarbone. "Just seeing you was enough." 

*

_ God _ , does Nathan practice these kinds of things? But Yuzu knows he can't possibly - because there's nothing scripted, nothing fake, about the things Nathan tells Yuzu, or the ways in which he does. It's all so honest - so  _ earnest _ \- and it hits Yuzu square between the ribs every single time. Yuzu's breath locks up in his chest and he inhales, sharp, moved. His arm around Nathan tightens, clutching him tight, and he tucks his face into the crook of Nathan's neck. He's nearly overcome. There's nothing even that he can think of to say -- just the flutter of his hand against Nathan's cheek, the distracted stroking of his thumb along Nathan's browbone.

For a second Nathan thinks he's said something wrong. Yuzu goes very still and stuff for a moment, then kind of crumples against him, hiding in the crook of  _ his _ neck, and he's sure, for just a second, that he's insulted him somehow.

But no, this is a good, if jarring, little spell. He hasn't insulted Yuzu, quite the opposite. He's enchanted him somehow, maybe impressed him. Maybe just made him feel very loved and appreciated, which is good, because that's all Nathan ever wants to do, especially when they're alone. 

"At this rate we're going to eat up my whole hour of ice time," he reminds Yuzu tentatively after another quiet moment of just holding each other. 

Nathan never expects anything from Yuzu except for Yuzu to be present, to be Yuzu. The significance of that, to a man for whom it sometimes feels like the entire world holds expectations, is immeasurable. Yuzu could bask in it for hours, rolling it over and over in his mind like a rock tumbler.

But Nathan's reminder is a welcome one, and Yuzu lifts his head from Nathan's shoulder with a sheepish smile. 

"I forgot it is for one hour only," he admits, letting go of Nathan slowly. He nods. "You are right. Ice now, more catching up later."

"Yeah," Nathan says, a bit regretfully as Yuzu pulls away. He doesn't want to have to stop hugging either, but needs must, and a huge part of this entire last-minute  _ thing _ was the opportunity to skate together again, preferably before the Grand Prix Final. 

"Yeah, let's go." He finishes pulling away from Yuzu slowly, and then indulges himself just for a moment more by leaning in to press a quick kiss to Yuzu's cheek. 

That done, he leads the rest of the way into the rink, taking a deep breath of the familiar air as he lets the doors swing closed behind them.

Yuzu pouts, a playful miffed thing, that Nathan snuck one more kiss that Yuzu can't match right now. But it's a passing thing, and his good humor returns, fully brushing away his disappointment, as they leave the lobby into the rink.

"So. This is the whale,” Nathan says, softly proud. “See?" He points up into the rafters, where the arches that hold the roof up in its distinctive shape are visible. 

"I do see," Yuzu says, leaning back to look at the rafters. "It's like  _ Pinocchio, _ "    
  
"I guess it is!" Nathan laughs. He hadn't thought that far, that the rafters look like ribs from the inside. 

Yuzu takes a bench and gets his case open. Nathan's right, they've already lost a few minutes - only a few, but they both know how much can happen in that time. He wants to make the best use he can of the remaining fifty, or forty-five, or however much is left of Nathan's hour, and he sets his boots up briskly. "How do you put on music here? We could put on some, anything, not special, and play together?"

Nathan sets his bag down to pull his skates out, but then Yuzu asks about music and he nods. "Are you okay with my spotify? I have one that I usually use for sessions where I'm not working on anything in particular?" He points, up the rafters and into the commentator's box. "I have to plug it in up there." 

"Yes, that is good," Yuzu says, focusing on his laces. They're just playing around, so it will again be a jumpless time for him.

Probably.

Singles wouldn't hurt, right?

Yuzu follows Nathan's pointing finger to its target and nods. "Okay. Come back fast."

"Cool." Nathan wags his phone at Yuzu, and then glances down and gives him a fond, if lightly mischievous, look. "Watch my skates for me, okay?" 

It only takes him a total of about two minutes to get up to the box, plug in his phone, set spotify playing over the arena speakers, and bound back down the stairs.But still, by that time Yuzu's nearly done tying his skates, and Nathan plops down and reaches for his own to catch up. 

Yuzu looks up when Nathan returns, smiling a little imp smile, and nods toward Nathan's boots.

"I watched them," he reports, tucking the ends of his laces in. "But they did not do anything interesting. Probably they are napping.

Nathan laughs out loud at that; it's a dumb joke but something about Yuzu’s delivery is just spot on. He throws himself onto the bench to lean over and start replacing his sneakers with his skates. 

Nathan's laughter is the best reward, and Yuzu lets his smile scrunch his face.

"You can get started without me," Nathan assures Yuzu, gesturing towards the entry gate. "Just be careful. I'd be very screwed if you hurt yourself right now." 

"Okay, thank you," Yuzu answers, setting his towel on the boards as always. Instead of sitting on the rail, Pooh is sitting in his open suitcase, front paws on the zipper edge, looking up. It's not a great vantage point, but honestly, that's a little bit the point. Yuzu's not sure that if he kisses Nathan again, he wants Pooh watching what it'll probably become.

"I'll take time and warm up," he promises, and dedicates himself to doing just that. He picks a song that matches the mood of the task, slow and deliberate and steady, but strong. Even as his muscles begin to warm up he keeps moving at the same pace, like kneading clay. Some looseness is good. Lots is better.

The ice isn't fresh, so Yuzu examines it closely on his first lap, checking for danger spots. But he can easily see that it's only been used by little kids and, it looks like, maybe a few people jumping singles. There's no great chunks taken out, and no heavy grooves of repetition dug in at the ends either. He knows there surely will be a fair amount of both of those by the time they're done today. It's a smart arrangement that they arranged Nathan as the last one to use the rink before fresh ice goes down.

Yuzu sinks into his warmup, focusing on the strokes. Stroking for stroking's sake, drifting edge to edge as he moves in wide, sleepy curves.

It's so peaceful.

Nathan knows they don't have a lot of time, and even with Yuzu visiting he should make the most of his session. Japan Open is going to be upon him before he knows it, and then the Grand Prix starts right after that- at the same time as midterms, and this time he's going to be missing classes for France. It's not ideal. He needs all the practice time he can get. 

But once his skates are tied and he's stood up to approach the ice, he can't help but slow down and just watch and appreciate the privacy of this moment. How many people in the world get to see Yuzuru Hanyu alone on the ice like this, ever? Not when he's performing, but just. Being one with the ice. 

It's beautiful and impressive and simple and heartwarming and so many other things that Nathan can't tear his eyes away even as he rests a hand on the gate so he can take his guards off. He leaves them next to Yuzu's, grinning at the contrast of Yuzu's glittery green and purple next to his own plain matte black. He turns his head away from Yuzu for just a moment to smile back at Pooh-san, and then he steps onto the ice. 

Now it's time for something else that no one in the world will ever get to see. Except that one rink employee in Montreal who may or may not have known who they are. That they are two of the best figure skaters in the world. And so much more than that. 

*

**Author's Note:**

> next chapter: kisses and ice
> 
> subscribe to the series: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1310987
> 
> thank you for reading.


End file.
